Finding the True Self

For many years I searched for the elusive Self, a Higher Power, or what many religions call God. It was a thought, an idea, a fleeting feeling like a gentle breeze. I knew it was out there beyond the stars in the night sky, or so I had been told. And when by chance I felt that connection, I wanted to hold on to it; to hold on to that feeling of peace and ease, where there was nothing and no one to fight with, no problems to solve, nothing that needed to be fixed in my life. But that feeling always went away.

I read numerous books, attended seminars, went to church, listened to audiobooks, and watched Ted Talks, and YouTube videos. I learned many things about myself, and became aware of all my human shortcomings, and character defects. I just couldn't get that feeling to stay with me - it always went away.

Then one day I read a passage by Adyashanti in his book, "The Impact of Spiritual Awakening." He said that the pull to seek was coming from what we sought - that Which Is Always Present - the I AM. He said that what we were seeking out there could only be found within.

That was it! I felt and knew it to be true and began to cry. I sat there happy and sad at the same time feeling a great calm came over me. I don't know how long that feeling lasted, but that connection is likened to the wind, always there but not always seen, felt, or heard; I wondered why that was. Why couldn't I hang on to that feeling? So, I kept trying, which immediately took me away from IT.

Over time, I recognized that when that feeling arose within me, all I needed to do was to be still. In the beginning, sitting still was extremely difficult, but I did learn to sit still. All it takes is willingness, commitment, and determination.

I learned that being able to sit for more extended periods comes slowly—five minutes at a time. The longer I sat still the longer that connection stayed with me. Because I learned along the way, that all I needed to do was NOTHING, and like a light breeze, gently rustling the leaves of a tree I could feel IT.

So, don't give up. Set a timer with a bell instead of an alarm (I use the free version of an app called Insight Timer). And even when you stop and start again, don't give up because that's part of the process. Be gentle with yourself, and remember, IT is patiently waiting within you. Five minutes, five breaths, five beats of the heart :-)